The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
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Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”