Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
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*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
sigh
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?