My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
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Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
When your man makes a valid point
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.