You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
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What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.