Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
You Might Also Like
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Lmbo
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore