90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
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High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
everyone’s a critic
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
so weird how every mom was born today
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester