“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
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🤣✨#caturday
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.