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Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.