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Name another movie that mislead you?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Personal question. #JustSaying
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah