Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
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This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
my professor scared me for a second
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Stop it! 😂
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
My dress code is business-casualty.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
She was rare, like a goth jogging
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus