autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
You Might Also Like
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle