MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
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Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.