When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
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worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does