Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
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the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?