My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
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IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
me after eating Cheetos
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.