“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
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Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I didn’t realize that was an option
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship