Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
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None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Yes, this is exactly right
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”