[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
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Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.