[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
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Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”