I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
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Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me