When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
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When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.