a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
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I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches