I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
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My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”