*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
You Might Also Like
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I have two kinds of followers
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Happy thanksgiving!
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.