Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
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A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
#CatsOnTwitter
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire