Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
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Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes