King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
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Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
can’t believe I got front row seats
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Only Americans understand
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Genius idea!!
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument