I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
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*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.