going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
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HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.