Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
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My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
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You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?