*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
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hear me out : pockets for your socks
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest