While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
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They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Welcome
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Steam Forums
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it