Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
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Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.