If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
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When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I wanna be friends with this person
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.