The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
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Fight
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore