I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
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My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book