David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
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Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
In banana years, I am bread.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.