I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
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All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs