her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
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I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that