I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
You Might Also Like
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I put the h in mysterious.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.