I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
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TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO