“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
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It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there