I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable