Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
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So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
#inspiration #foodforthought
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.