Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
You Might Also Like
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
me as a parent
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?