Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
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[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!