I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
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me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
time machine? you mean a clock?
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.