Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
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Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My teenage children choosing violence
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.