I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
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If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Perfection.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity