Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
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T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.